In His hands

*This post is more for my own benefit to help remind me of something I've been struggling with, but if you happen to find it interesting, even better.

Lately I have been getting so stressed out over 'planning' my future. So many things are starting to happen that could have a significant effect on the rest of my life:

Type 1 is a music scholarship course at the School of Music for Year 11 & 12 students. Participants receive free lessons from top teachers, the opportunity to gain experience in ensembles/orchestras under well-educated tutors, as well as 2 hours of composition & music theory lessons a week. Needless to say, I really want to do the course (if only for the free lessons, which I really 'need') and I've been stressing myself out about it constantly. See, at the moment there is no way I would be able to, because even if I passed the audition (and only 10 people will...) I would be left without a means of being transported back to Cooma. No matter how much I worry about it and try to think of a solution, though, nothing changes.

Then there's the Canberra Concerto Orchestra. On Wednesday a local music teacher who used to teach our family rang me up and told me about this orchestra which was having auditions this week. He spoke very highly of it and said he thought I had a fairly good chance of passing the audition (?!?!), so I booked in an audition, thinking, "Well isn't this a good opportunity! If I don't get to do Type 1 next year, at least I might be able to do this instead." 4 days later, and I still hadn't heard back from the audition manager, and consequently still didn't have copies of the pieces I was required to learn for the audition! These pieces got sent out to everybody else some time last week, giving them all a whole week's practice more than me!! I rang the manager several times during those 4 days, only to be informed that the music was still 'on its way'. It finally arrived on Monday, giving me only 6 days to learn it, as opposed to the 2 weeks everyone else had. Again, I only fretted more as time progressed, and the fretting didn't stop when the music arrived. I now had to worry about how I would get to Canberra for the audition and get back home again. And even if I DID manage to work out all that, how would I be able get there and back every week next year for rehearsals?

As most of you should know, MuST (the music program I'm doing at ANU at the moment) is the highlight of my week. This year has been the highlight of my life for the same reason. I know I must sound obsessed with music (and maybe I am...), but I can't even describe how much this course has meant to me. Anyway, we only have 3 weeks to go, and that will be the last I will ever see of MuST. I know I should be thankful that I actually got to do the course - if I wasn't homeschooled, there wouldn't have been a chance of being able to go to Canberra every Tuesday, and if we'd found out about it one day later the applications would have closed and I would never have even made it to the audition. I also know that I should be treasuring these last few weeks and being glad to have had the opportunity to complete the course, but something inside me just keeps flinging my mind towards that fact that in 3 weeks I will never EVER have another MuST lesson to look forward to. This may sound crazy, but just the thought of no more MuST makes me feel... well, don't worry about that. This must have sounded sickeningly ungratefully pessimistic - and perhaps it is - but I assure you that, while I'm tempted to feel that way, I know I shouldn't and I am trying to get to grips with it. Right now I am really struggling to deal with this battle going on inside me.

I could go on, but you get the idea. I've been trying to work everything by my own power (or lack thereof) and fretting when it doesn't work. Why? To tell the truth, I really don't know. Like most people, deep down I know that the only right way is to let God pull the strings and just be the 'puppet' that he uses to work his plan. What ever He wants to happen WILL HAPPEN!! If He's planned for me to play in an orchestra next year, He will make a way for it to happen without my worrying about it! If he wants me to forget music and do something completely different next year, then none of my 'plans' will work, no matter how hard I try. I should stop and wonder - what is even the point in making my own plans? If they're not His plans, they won't happen.

I heard a quote only this week, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." So how do we find His plans for us?

"Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not." - Jeremiah 33:3