Musical terms and their definitions

You have to be a musician to appreciate these.

Accidentals: Wrong notes.
Aria: The product of multiplying the singer's length by his or her width.
Cadence: A device for stopping a piece of music, the musical equivalent of a brick wall. Some cadences are less complete than others, and may be called 'deceptive' or 'unfair' cadences.
Choir: A musical organization thought to have been invented by F. F. Handel to assure the perpetuation of performances of Messiah.
Concerto: A sort of musical boxing match between one musician (the soloist) and all the rest (the orchestra), with the conductor acting as referee, in which nobody wins - especially the audience.
Copyist: A person hired  by composers to transcribe pages of their illegible notation into other pages of the copyist's own notation, equally illegible.
Counterpoint: A musical device similar to needlepoint, although not designed to be hung upon the wall or used as on seatcovers. Said to be a musical conversation, it more often resembles an argument. A favourite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are now dead, although a direct connection between these two facts has never been conclusively established.
Dischord: 1. Not to be confused with datchord. 2. The emotional state that usually exists amongst a group of musicians, especially with regard to those in authority.
English Horn: A woodwind instrument so named because it is neither English, nor a horn. Not to be confused with the French Horn, which is German.
False Relation: The kind of relative who is supportive of one's musical career only if one is making money.
Flat: An adjective used to describe a tone that is slightly below pitch. This term ought to be used cautiously, so as not to offend anyone, especially when applied to a woman.
Flute: A sophisticated pea-shooter with a range up to five hundred yards and deadly accuracy in close quarters. Blown transversely to confuse the enemy, it can be dismantled into three small pieces for easy concealment.
French Horn: A brass instrument that resembles a snail, but sometimes moves more quickly. The French Horn is actually German, and should not be confused with the English Horn, which is French.
Glissando: The musical equivalent of stepping on a banana peel.
Key: Certain musical terms defy easy definition. This is one of them.
Music Stand: An intricate device for propping up music, except at crucial times - such as during the performance. It has a tendency to fall over, often of its own accord. It comes in two sizes - too high or too low - and it is always broken.
Nut: The narrow ridge across the neck of a stringed instrument such as the violin, situated near the pegbox. By extension, then, the term has come to be applied to any person who plays such an instrument.
Oboe: An ill wind that nobody blows good.
Quartet: All that remains of the Moscow Philharmonic Orchestra after its North American tour.
Quaver: What many performers do while performing.
Strings: A family of instruments that includes the violin, viola, cello, double-bass, and yo-yo.
Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.

Excerpted from "A Musician's Dictionary" by David W. Barber & Dave Donald. My teacher lent me this book to help relieve stress while preparing for my upcoming flute exam. I hope you found it as amusing as I did!